


Someone You Love.

by fiveroundsrapid



Category: Holby City
Genre: Episode Remix, Episode: s19e07 The Kill List, F/F, Feels, Useless Lesbians, Useless bisexual, berena - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-25 06:52:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17720249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveroundsrapid/pseuds/fiveroundsrapid
Summary: A remix of two episodes; Serena is wallowing in her one-night stand, but how will she cope when Robbie turns back up on the ward, the same time as Bernie Wolfe makes an unannounced return? Juggling her feelings between head and heart, Robbie's cancer scare and Bernie's chivalry, will her choice be made for her again?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the lovely ddagent, who gave me some motivation to get this finished. Decided to dip my toe in the water to see if people like it, but let's just say this fic is a long time coming! Basically a remix of "Song of Self: Part One", and "The Kill List" - Bernie's back! But so is Robbie...

"Big night last night?" Raf split through Serena's thoughts like a barrage, setting off her headache again. She was at the nurses' desk with a cup of water and some much-needed painkillers.

"Where were you?" Morven asked her, sorting out some patient files. 

"Don't ask." Serena muttered, darkly, praying the painkillers were fast acting. Raf and Morven shared a look, grinning to each other at the state of their co-lead. It was good for them to see she was still willing to have fun at least, ever since Bernie had gone on secondment. It was an unspoken cause of friction in AAU at the moment.

Morven smiled to herself, at least Bernie was coming back today. No one else was aware though, it seemed. Serena's gaze went to her nephew, pushing a patient around in his new maroon polo shirt. "At least Jason's first day portering is going well. I did have my doubts."

"He's very committed." Morven said, fondly.

"More than can be said for some. With a trauma centre to run-" Raf butted in, but Serena was quick to put him down, thinking that he was speaking of her. 

"Yes, alright! I may be a bit fuzzy of head, but I am here." She pointed out. Raf smiled, then doubled-down.

"Not you; Bernie, Abandoning..." Morven hit him in the arm and he trailed off, rubbing his upper arm as Serena stared meekly ahead. There were precious moments where she could forget that her best friend and co-lead and...  _ whatever it was _ they were to each other, had left for bloody Ukraine. Not that she would currently want Bernie to see her as is. Hungover, full of regret and ever so slightly maudlin. 

"Still, it's nice that she's coming back today,  _ isn't it, _ Raf?" Morven said, pointedly, a warning in her eyes. She didn't know that Serena was unaware of Bernie's return. 

Serena did a double take, putting her glass of water down on the nurses' station and turning slowly and deliberately to Morven. Morven, on her part, was looking very bashful, unaware that this was a big thing. Bernie had said she emailed, hadn't she? Morven had bumped into her at Pulses, given her a great big hug. She'd looked good, very tanned, very blonde. Morven had been excited because she'd also been holding a bottle of wine, albeit terribly wrapped.

"What?" Shit. Shit.  _ Shit _ .

"Well, that's good news, isn't it?" Raf replied, eyes trained on his friend. 

"Yes." Serena breathed, before pulling herself together. "Yes, well, it'll be good not to have to do all the work myself anymore. If you'll excuse me." Raf and Morven exchanged a look as Serena got up, crushing her plastic cup and throwing it in the bin before making her way over to her office in some sort of blind panic.

Bernie can’t be coming back. Not today. Not today of all days, after all the bloody radio silence and after last night and without  _ any  _ warning. Serena wasn’t remotely prepared to see Bernie. Her desk was untidy, the ward was untidy and she looked a fright. She was wearing an old blouse, hadn’t done her make-up as well as she would have liked. Oh God, she was going to look like a wreck in front of Bernie, as if she’d fallen apart without the army medic being here. She ignored the element of truth in that thought, plonking down on her office chair and using her switched-off monitor to quickly survey herself and pat down her hair.

Serena looked over at her phone. The texts she had sent to Bernie, up there, loud and clear. No reply. Surely, Bernie would have the decency to reply? Maybe Serena should send another message- a _‘welcome back’_ , or _‘heard you were back today’_? No, that’d look desperate. Besides, she was over Berenice Wolfe. She didn’t need to put herself out there. She was fine on her own.  A knock on the door. Serena’s traitorous heart skipped a beat and she looked up, lips blossoming into a sheepish smile when-

“Playing hard to get, Serena?” Robbie stood, leaning against the door to her office.

“Robbie…” Serena said, a little in shock. No, no,  _ no _ , what was he doing here? Not today! Then, a mop of blonde hair appeared over Robbie’s shoulder, a polite, husky voice coming out to make Robbie move from the doorway of the office. Serena promptly forgot how to breathe.

“Excuse me, can I just-”

“Of course.” Robbie, replied, moving out of the way, and the blonde entered  _ their  _ office.

“Bernie.” Serena whispered.  Oh…  _ shit. _

 

*******

 

Bernie hadn’t exactly been expecting a trumpet fanfare upon her arrival. Perhaps, however, it now seemed naive of her to expect that Serena wouldn’t be in the middle of a conversation with her  _ boyfriend  _ when she returned. It had been an awkward encounter- though what could she expect? Bernie was ashamed, and now there was… Robbie. Bloody Robbie. Bernie had never met Robbie the Bobbie before, just knew about him from the early stages of friendship, over wine glasses and comparing relationships. Bernie knew that Serena had been on the verge of moving in with him. She must have loved him. 

Suffice to say, she had made her quick and polite hellos, dropped off her bag and coat onto her office chair and then retreated the hell out of there and into the locker room. 

Bernie had missed Serena shooing Robbie out of her office and promptly looking around for the missing surgeon. 

The Trauma Lead felt sick as she changed into her scrubs. Why should she though? What possible right did she have? Bernie certainly didn’t have any claim on Serena. And running off to the Ukraine had been about giving Serena space, and time to make her mind up. Mind was made up. Bernie didn’t have the luxury to be disappointed that the choice wasn’t  _ them.  _ Well done, Berenice Wolfe. She went to Ukraine, and the woman she…  _ loved  _ had made up her mind, realised what she wanted and rightfully so… it wasn’t a mess of a former army medic with a messy divorce and a terrible relationship record. Great. Just like Bernie had planned- it had been the right thing to do.

The sick feeling in her stomach still didn’t go away.

It seemed now that today was just going to be about getting through it, hoping that Robbie would leave soon and praying that she never saw them kissing. She didn’t think she could stand that. Bernie pulled her hair up into a ponytail, pushed her fringe from her eyes and left. And almost immediately bumped into Jason.

“Jason!” Bernie blurted out, surprised a little to see him in a porter’s uniform and chauffeuring and empty wheelchair. 

“Hello, Bernie. I didn’t buy you a welcome-back card because I didn’t know you would be coming back.” Jason said, matter of factly. Bernie forced a smile- yes, that seemed to be the consensus on AAU. She had expected Henrik to send out an email or something, but it was apparent the CEO had thought that part of her responsibility. Damn the Swede. 

“That’s fine, Jason. It was all pretty last minute anyway.” She forced a smile. 

“Auntie Serena didn’t even say you were coming in.”

“Right.”

“She probably didn’t remember, she’s been very busy with Robbie.” Jason said, thinking only of how his aunt had been this morning, having left last night telling Jason she was meeting him, and now he had seen Robbie coming onto the ward and Jason saw it had made his aunt very worried all of a sudden. Which was odd, because normally she’d been grumpy. This was due to Bernie being away, so maybe now she was back, Auntie Serena might get happier. 

“Oh-” Bernie began, trying to shove the large lump in her throat at the idea of Serena being ‘very busy with Robbie’. Luckily, the well-timed intervention of Fletch welcoming her back with open arms and a large grin interrupted Jason, who carried on portering. Bernie thought back to the wine bottle, concealed in the pile of her coat on her chair. She resolved to get rid of it.

 

*******

 

Serena had tried to go after Bernie, pushing past Robbie and shouting her name as the woman had all but fled from the office. In some sort of twisted joke, it was like the day she had left, Bernie running off and Serena going after her. But she had curbed herself, only going so far as a few steps out of the office, catching eyes with a knowledgeable Raf, with whom she had told of her love for Bernie. 

A hand went up to play with the tufts of brunette hair at the base of her neck. She hadn’t even gotten to say a word to Bernie. She’d been there and then gone so quick again that Serena had thought she must have dreamt it. Of course, the coat and bag on Bernie’s chair said everything and so Serena had now surrendered herself to  **panic** . She had nothing to feel guilty about, but she did certainly want to get Robbie out  _ now,  _ and hopefully… oh, who was she kidding, _snog the living daylights_ out of Berenice Wolfe. As small chances go though…

She turned her attention back to Robbie, apologising for ignoring him.

“Someone important is she?” Robbie asked with a cheeky chappy smile.  _ Oh, he had no idea _ , thought Serena.

“Co-lead. First time she’s been back in a few months. She, um, went off to Ukraine on secondment. Look, Robbie.” Serena gathered herself.  _ Focus on the job at hand, Campbell.  _ “Okay, right, um- why, why are you here?”

“Well, I was tidying up at home and er...I found something of yours actually.” He explained as they walked steadily back towards the office.

“Right, okay, what is it?” Serena really wanted to get this over with.

“Them, I believe is grammatically correct. But now I’m here I’m not sure it’s the best place to give you them.”

“Oh, Robbie, it’s fine. Just give me whatever it is.” Serena couldn’t care less. It was likely a scarf or an earring or something each innocuous that she hadn’t realised she’d left.

“Well, to be honest, I thought: should I bring them in? It could look a bit weird. But, then again, if you realised they’d gone and noticed I had them then…” Robbie reached into his coat as he spoke. “Well, that might look a bit odd too.” He had pulled out her underwear. In the middle of her ward. She snatched them from his hands, blushing crimson, really hoping that no one else had seen that.

“Okay.” Her voice had come out a little oddly. At that moment, Jason came over.

“That’s what you wear when you want to look thin. Why’s Robbie got it?”

“Them.” Robbie corrected. Serena shot him a look:  _ shut up. _

“Are you going to be a couple again?” Jason asked, bluntly. Serena’s eyes shot wide and she was very quick to answer.

“No!” She told him. That was the last thing she needed on the Holby City Gossip Mill. “No, no, absolutely not.”

“Why did he have your special thin underwear then?” Jason asked. Serena flailed and pointed to the office.

“Okay, I think we maybe need to have a little chat.” Anywhere but out on the ward. She headed in, followed by Robbie and Jason. Robbie looked amused, eyes darting downwards. Serena looked, seeing she still had the underwear. She huffed and hid them. This was  _ so  _ not what she needed.

“I called your Auntie Serena for a drink last night, and, um…” Robbie began, then looked to Serena for help.

“And- and I may have had just a tad too much of the old Shiraz.” She explained to Jason, feeling a tad like she was about to be reprimanded.

“As always.” Jason smiled.

“And one thing led to another so…” Robbie said.

“Another what? You had a one-night stand?” And there it was. Out in the open. Bluntly. Bile was in Serena’s throat.

_ Yes, Jason, that was exactly it, I was drunk, it was a mistake and I may or may not have snuck out this morning with an excuse of an early shift, leaving so quickly I forgot my spanx. Okay? Good? Clear? _

“Okay, Jason, I think it’s time for the lunch round. And it’s your first shift so you don’t want to get them out late so… you can pop off.” She said, with a tight smile. Luckily, Jason didn’t question her and left her alone with Robbie.

“Sorry. Perhaps it was the wrong time return the er…” Robbie said.

“Yeah.” Serena mumbled. The door opened and in waltzed Bernie, now attired in her scrubs. Apart from the tan, it barely looked like she’d been anywhere. A blast from the past. Serena hurried to hide her underwear better than just on the desk. Bernie looked startled.

“Oh, erm, I’m sorry, I thought you’d be…” She began.

“Bernie…” Was this now the only thing that Dr Serena Campbell could say in the presence of her? Her stupid name, on a loop like she was some sort of idiot? Robbie, however, didn’t notice anything, but rather grinned and stuck out a hand.

“Robbie Metcalfe, Serena’s-” Serena managed to interrupt him.

“He was just popping by.” The last thing she needed was Robbie to be  _ her _ anything. Bernie looked over at Serena. It was the first time they had made eye contact since she had returned. Serena smiled, bashful. She tried to force down the grin, feeling her face grow hot.

“Um… it’s good to have you back.”

“It’s good to be back.” Bernie replied, in a loaded tone. They stared at each other for a few moments before Bernie snapped back to reality, and back to Robbie. She took the hand, shook it firmly. “Bernie Wolfe.”

“Ah, so you’re Bernie?”

“Yes.” Bernie looked questioningly over at Serena. What had she said? Perhaps Robbie was about to punch her, defend his lady’s honour against the piece of crap that she was? Maybe Serena had told him all about the worthless fool that was Bernie Wolfe and all about kissing her and then running away. Perhaps Robbie knew everything and was ready to stake his claim, ready to stand up tall and proud because he had won the prize that was the beautiful Serena Campbell.

Bernie wouldn’t blame him.

“You were on Keller, right? Serena mentioned you, back when we were originally…” He trailed off, not really knowing how to put it. Bernie didn’t seem too troubled by it, already having a million ways that sentence could end and all of them making her feel subsequently nauseous. “Well, it’s good to see she’s got some back up against the terrors of the boardroom, eh, Serena?” He looked over at her. Serena chuckled, weakly, wanting to curl up and die.

“Yes, well, I’ll leave you two… to it.” Bernie said, graciously, not looking at Serena and leaving the office. Robbie turned back to Serena, and took the underwear out again, holding them up in the air and testing the elastic.

“What would you call them anyway? Some sort of architectural feat really.” He laughed.

“Yeah, thank you!” She admonished him, snatching the undergarment from his paws. “I have suffered enough humiliation for one day. Besides which, it is ungracious to laugh at your own jokes.” Robbie fixed her with a flirtatious look.

“Oh is that right, Lady Serena?” He teased. “‘Cause you weren’t too concerned with grace and decorum last night, were you?”

“Stop it.” She folded her arms, unable to look him in the eye. Yes, last night had been… a bit wild, and certainly good, but it wasn’t what she wanted. Was it?

“Come on, admit it. We had fun.” Robbie pushed.

“Yes.” She admitted. Serena blushed and smiled. It had been fun. She snapped herself out of it, a quick peek out of the blinds to check that no one, certainly not… _ anyone in particular, _ was looking in.

“Like we always did.” Robbie agreed, looking at her in a way that made Serena feel  _ wanted  _ again.  She was in a right royal mess. Because she could have sworn Bernie gave her her own version of that look 30 seconds ago. Those thoughts were interrupted however by Raf coming through the door this time.  He looked very aware he might have barged in on something. Serena stepped a little away from Robbie. Raf and she were going to have to have a chat later. She could feel it. She just prayed it involved Shiraz.

“Hey, you okay?” Raf asked, hesitantly. 

“Yes, why wouldn’t I be? Robbie just popped in to say hello.” Serena promptly corrected him, sitting down on her chair and making it look like she was in utter control of her emotions and stomach contents.

“Oh, right.” Raf looked over to Robbie, noting that Robbie was very much making eyes at his friend. Raf had seen Bernie briefly. Hadn't really had a chance to talk to her, but from what he knew about Serena’s feelings, this was all a bit odd. Also odd, considering the patient file he had in his hands.  _ R. Metcalfe. _ “Just hello? I..?” Robbie looked at Raf. “Okay.” Serena didn’t know.

“What?” Serena asked.

 

*******

 

A week. He’d known about it a week. A lump at the base of his neck. Raf had been treating him. Just as well, as ethically it was a bit… blurry if she had done it. Not that it would have been violating anything but Serena still had a fondness for Robbie and… she would have prefered not to do it. Raf was just getting him settled in one of the side rooms. She was in theatre later, but it was going to take a while. She didn’t want Robbie to go through all this alone though. Serena prayed it was benign.

Bernie knew nothing about Robbie being taken into the side room. She was going through admin duties at the nurses’ station when Serena joined her, looking over at the theatre list. Serena saw her out of the corner of her eye. Decided to take the plunge. 

“Just so you know, I hadn't forgotten you… or anything. I didn’t know you were coming back… today.”  _ Well done, Serena. Managed to get a slightly coherent sentence out.  _ Bernie looked over, almost surprised that Serena was speaking to her. The air was thick around them.

“I, um… well, I wasn’t expecting anything. Email must have gotten lost.” Bernie smiled at Serena. 

“I’m sorry?” Email? What email? Serena checked her inbox diligently. There had been no bloody email. If she had seen an email, then she definitely would have picked out a better blouse! Bernie looked away, back to her screen, seemingly oblivious to Serena’s internal crisis.

“My arrival email. Kiev said they would send one to… you, on my behalf.” Serena raised her brows at that. On her behalf? She must be joking? Even if she wasn’t, you would have expected some sort of warning from Hanssen. Serena had half a mind to snap that Swede in two next time they crossed paths. Bernie paused. “...Which they obviously didn’t. I- well, as I said. I wasn’t expecting a trumpet fanfare on my arrival.”

“Damn, all those lessons for nothing!” Serena joked, weakly and on instinct. “Still, it’s good to have you back.” She said, for the second time, as Bernie straightened up from leaning at the computer and she turned to face Serena. Bernie smiled. Serena couldn’t help but smile back. She truly had missed Bernie. Serena bit her lip. “I don't suppose you fancy assisting later in theatre, do you? I've got a perforated ulcer on the duodenum.”

“You do know how to show a girl a good time!” Bernie crooked her head and grinned, an action that meant Serena could breathe again. What was it with this woman? Everything was on edge now. She hoped that, even if they couldn’t have a heart to heart as such (yet), then things in theatre would thaw the tension.

“Auntie Serena, have you told Bernie what happened between you and Robbie?” Jason was suddenly  _ right there.  _ Bernie felt sick again. She really didn’t need to know. In fact, she really,  _ really  _ didn’t want to know. Bernie grabbed some files and made to leave. Serena went to speak but Jason cut across. “Robbie is here. I thought Auntie Serena loved you, but she obviously doesn't because Robbie is back. I don't understand relationships.”

All of this seemed to be directed at Bernie. 

“They are very puzzling.” She managed to get out.

“Are you enjoying your first day back?”

“Oh, yes, yes, loving it. Every second.” Bernie lied, and retreated, leaving Serena and Jason alone.

“I like Bernie.” Jason said, smiling. “Why are you frowning?”

“I’m not.” She replied, frowning.

“You are.”

“Jason, please. Just go and get the lunches done.” She grabbed her own patient files and went over to Robbie’s room, wanting to make sure that Raf had checked the fixity of the lump.

It seemed like the day was  _just_ getting started. 


	2. Chapter 2

So, it was Robbie in there. Raf informed Bernie of who was in the side room when she had attempted to transfer a patient there. It was alright, there was another bed available. AAU was having a blissfully slow day. A sort of day that Bernie usually hated but for now, could be grateful for. The last thing she needed was a busy ward as well as a busy mind. Robbie had a lump on his neck, was scheduled for an MRI. It could be cancer. Instantly, Bernie’s heart went out to him. She wasn’t spiteful, or wished him any ill just because he was with Serena. Indeed, she felt most for Serena. She would be going through hell. Bernie knew that Serena hated being powerless, and with what had happened with Arthur, the unknown must be terrifying.

Bernie wished they were friends enough to talk about this, that Bernie could be a confidant. But she knew she had ruined that friendship. Ruined any chance of that happening.

She’d done exactly what she had attempted not to do. _Coward._

A while later, Bernie saw Serena crossing the ward. Her hands tightened involuntarily on the patient file she was holding as she made to go after her, but paused when she heard Jason’s voice. Bernie stopped, faltering outside of Robbie’s room.

“Auntie Serena loves you.” Jason was saying to Robbie. Bernie felt the wind being knocked out of her.

“I’m not sure about that, Jason,” Robbie replied with a chuckle. Bernie’s eyes went over to Serena, who was smiling gaily at Raf, over at the nurses’ station. Bernie's lips parted as if she were going to say something, but words failed her as always. Jason's words kept repeating themselves. Serena loved him?

“You’re okay, I’m okay, the world can go round.” Jason reasoned. “That’s what she says to me. And she loves me, so…” Serena looked up and met Bernie’s gaze, and for a moment, Bernie thought that maybe, just maybe she could say something. But then she looked back down to her trainers, her jaw clamping shut. She started moving, trying not to make it look like she was just eavesdropping on Robbie and Jason. She didn’t want to make Serena uncomfortable, or think that… that what was true was just _that_. True. Bernie loved her. Bernie didn’t want to cause Serena any more heartache, and it Robbie made her happy- if she loved Robbie, then she couldn’t get in the way of that.

Bernie sat down at the station and tapped away at the computer. Serena came over, trying to act nonchalant in front of Bernie, looking down at the papers she had in her hand. Patient turnover had been a bit lax since they had been a consultant down, and so Serena was determined to get back on track. She scribbled away, before saying, casually:

“So are you still OK to join me in theatre later?”

“Cleared my schedule.”

“Good, thank you.” Serena smiled to herself. Bernie braced herself.

“So the elephant in the room… Robbie's back on the scene, then?”

“And if he was… I mean, you don't mind, do you?” Serena said, knowing that Robbie at the moment would like to be. He’d told her that he loved her. Words that would normally make her bloom. But nothing with Bernie Wolfe involved was normal. Robbie was getting his scan and she was due in theatre soon, obviously, with Bernie. But Serena couldn't help but hope that now was the moment where Bernie would do _something._ Sweep her off her feet or fight for her when faced with the prospect of losing her. Would do something utterly and completely selfish, rather than damn chivalry or simply not caring. With the words, Serena was willing Bernie to just… _react._

“Mind?” Bernie didn’t meet her gaze, didn’t see the true meaning of Serena’s words. In her mind, Serena was happy. She didn’t need Bernie getting in the way of that. Whatever they could have had, didn’t take anything away from the fact of what Serena had now. And judging by the looks Robbie directed towards Serena, it was love. “I was away. It's your life. Nothing to do with me. Feel free to chuck in a cliche of your own whenever you feel like it.”

“Right. Well, I was just being polite.” Serena deflated.

“Absolutely no need.” Bernie looked up, smiled, looked back down and the smile dropped. She didn’t deserve Serena’s kindness. Serena left. Bernie closed her eyes. She was an utter, utter fool.

Serena had headed to her office, needing some time to herself, to think all of this through. Bernie and Robbie almost seemed like head and heart. It was true, she felt a fondness for Robbie. She had loved him. She knew that they would be happy. But then why did she keep thinking about Bernie? And why did it have to be today of all days that she had arrived, looking perfectly windswept in a new coat and a damn good blouse? Serena's blouse wasn't new. She had bought a new one and it was hanging in her cupboard. It had been horribly expensive. Now it just seemed horrible.

Could she and Bernie be happy? A smile bloomed on her face. It wasn't helpful, she just couldn't seem to get it to stop appearing whenever she thought about Berenice bloody Wolfe. Of their kisses. Like a schoolgirl with a crush, she was, getting all heated about a couple of snogs. Serena cleared her throat. No, she needed to be cool, calm and collected. She was at work. She had things to do.

Opening up her desktop she clicked on her emails. An odious amount of unopened ones greeted her. At the top, one from Henrik. Ah, so there was his acknowledgement of having Bernie back on the ward. Too little, too late. Serena scanned it. Henrik had sent it to Bernie as well. Odd choice, considering it was about Bernie, rather than too her. Serena's eyes narrowed "hoping to see AAU return to it's harmonious state under caring leadership".

"Put it in neon, why don't you..." She muttered, bitterly. Her gaze went past the computer to Bernie's side of the desk, now looking as if she never left. Her coat hung on the back of her chair, her bag on the desk. A coffee cup. That was likely cold and/or empty. Serena remembered the time she had come back off of suspension to find the office an utter mess. They'd had a conversation about it, in Albie's a few weeks later. Turns out Bernie had all been using the opportunity to sleep at the hospital, avoid Marcus, hence why it seemed to pile up quickly. She was still working when the cleaners came. Serena had made her promise to never let it get like that again. Bernie had promised to bring Serena coffee the next day. She had.

Back to the emails. Many were uninteresting, unimportant or too great to read between the time now and her time in theatre.  Serena hesitated, then clicked her email menu to full size, the options dropping down and revealing something she never looked at... spam. Holding her breath, she clicked it.

One email, from Kiev Trauma Centre. It was from a week ago. Serena stared at the line. _Subject: B.Wolfe Termination of Secondment._ Termination? Could you still terminate if you had decided to stay longer than you were even meant to? But there it was. Termination. Serena knew better than to think Bernie could ever be _fired,_ she was too good a surgeon, too valuable an asset to any ward. Which meant that it was a sudden resignation. One weeks notice. Serena did the math.

"She must have only been back... a day." Serena muttered to herself, mind racing with romantic notions of Bernie done her notice and raced onto the next plane, and straight back to Holby. To Serena. Serena clicked on the email. It was from the centre itself, so all was formal, and it wasn't written by Bernie. But it confirmed Serena's hopes. She'd given in her notice suddenly, and the email was to notify Bernie's supervisor (except they were equals, Serena thought to herself), upon the sudden return of Ms Berenice G Wolfe for today. Serena read aloud: "We thank Ms Wolfe for her contribution, and hope her return to Holby is everything she wanted."

Serena pulled up rotas. Henrik would have tweaked them to add Bernie in. She certainly hadn't, obviously. Scrolling to today's date, she saw that Bernie was only here for a six-hour shift.  That was a baby shift for someone like Bernie. _Jetlag._ It must be. Serena went back to the email. _Everything she wanted?_ That wasn't the usual jargon. That was personal. But... the email was only to her, Serena. Why would they let her know that?

But before Serena let herself think too much about it, she quickly clicked delete on the email. That was enough of that. Checking the clock, she saw it was close to her time on the perforated ulcer. Serena shut off the monitor and got out of the office. She spied Raf, and hurried over.

“Raf, Raf!” Serena quickened her pace to catch up to her registrar. Her fingers toyed with her necklace, her eyes were wide and scared. Raf stopped, and put a hand on her arm.

“Serena? Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes, fine. Um… Robbie’s gone in for his scan. And I’m just about to go into theatre with- with Bernie.”

“Right.” Raf nodded, realisation dawning, even as Serena’s confidence seemed to be wavering. He felt for his friend, and after their tipsy conversation last week about Bernie, the news with Robbie and apparently the ‘last night’ with Robbie, Raf was understandably concerned. Fletch had informed him of Ms Wolfe's movements. 'Moping 'round like Pulses' ran out of coffee', was the delicate way he'd put it. “Serena, can I ask… are you and he?”

“He wants to.” She admitted, softly. Raf nodded. So that was the dilemma. A man who openly professed his love, or a woman who would sooner run away than commit to dinner.

“And you?”

“Well, there’s the logical argument against it. Jason was the issue before and Jason is still my priority now.” Serena reasoned, knowing that Robbie had run a mile when he knew it was a packaged deal. Bernie on the other hand, she had known no different, was lovely with Jason. She remembered the evening after she had stepped down as Deputy CEO, and Bernie had ended up coming back to her house, with Jason, and they had sat and eaten fish and chips together. Bernie and Jason got along famously. Robbie on the other hand, well, that was an unknown.

“But what about Bernie?” Raf probed, and Serena gave him a self-deprecating smile. God knows, that situation was anything but straightforward, or logical. Her smile dimmed.

“That’s the illogical because… she’s barely said two words to me in all the time she’s been here.”

 

*******

 

“OK, let's lift this liver.” Serena said, setting about doing just that. They were in the middle of the operation. Both women equally hoping that there would be an ease to this. Since they had met, they had performed countless operations together, and always with a synchronicity that neither had found elsewhere. They seemed to read each other's mind, hardly disagree with treatment. Even when they did, it was both with valid arguments, and no argument ever left theatre. The OR was a place that both women were comfortable in, and comfortable with each other.

“Pechinku.”

“Bless you...?” Serena raised an eyebrow.

“It's Ukrainian for liver.” Bernie elaborated. Serena felt her mouth set in a thin line. _Bloody Ukraine. Bloody emails. Bloody Berenice Wolfe._

“Very helpful. Just a shame we live in England and speak English.” She remarked, before warning; “You've got a tear.”

“Yep. More packs, please.” Bernie asked of the team.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?”

“We're not in the Somme now.”

“Look, I'll pack it, we'll get lucky, it'll stop bleeding.”

“No, we don't have time for that.” Serena barked, holding a hand out to one of the nurses. “Can I have some haemostatic glue, please? Quickly!”

“This'll be fine.” Bernie pressed, getting more packs. A tense moment passed. Bernie breathed out. She was being ridiculous, and ungracious. Bernie took the blood-soaked packs and stepped back. This was Serena’s theatre. Serena’s operation. For the first time since Bernie had started working on AAU, she really felt like an outsider. The bravado of her first few months on the ward had been dashed by Serena's friendship and the home she had found on the ward. She had no ego to fall back on. Now she felt like a stranger. Bernie stepped back.

“Thank you.” Serena said, gratefully.

“Pleasure's all mine.” Bernie let her know, as they returned to the job in hand.

 

*******

 

The haemostatic glue did it’s job and the rest of the surgery went well. The patient pulled through and was sent to recovery, leaving the two women to scrub out alone at the sink. They worked in silence, whatever ease they had had before Ukraine now was shattered, leaving only fizzling tension and awkward pauses. Running water the only sound until Serena broke the tense atmosphere.

“Sorry, about that- I shouldn’t have snapped, it’s just that…” Serena trailed off. How was she supposed to explain her conflicted feelings about Robbie and the news that he may have cancer, to the woman she also had feelings for? Who might feel something for her? Was she supposed to bring up the email? Or not? And yet, Serena knew that Bernie was the one person that she wanted to talk to about this. She had always been that, at least. Her first port of call.

“Raf filled me in.” Bernie said, quietly, and in a voice that betrayed nothing. She focused on her hands, on scrubbing out. Serena snuck a look at Bernie’s porcelain face and wispy hair, and blushed, catching herself. She shouldn’t be like this. Bernie hadn’t said anything, so why should she even bother? Perhaps it wasn’t about giving Serena space, but _Bernie-_ Bernie who had realised that Serena was just not sexy enough or brilliant enough for her, and so had buggered off to Kiev. Serena’s mind flashed to her ‘special thin underwear’.

“Right.” Serena looked back down at the sink. Bernie snuck a look. She wished she could make it better for Serena. But her instinct; to gather her up in her arms and never let go, was like all her other gut reactions- awful. Her boyfriend might have cancer. No matter how Bernie felt about Serena, there was a very firm line now. Serena was very much taken.

“I-” Bernie cleared her throat. “I hope that it’s not too serious. You deserve to be happy.” She flicked her brown-eyed gaze up to meet Serena’s, but then down again, and left the room, leaving Serena in her wake.

Serena heaved a sigh.

"Well, what am I meant to do with that, Bernie..." She whispered, before throwing her disposable cap in the bin. Serena headed out of theatre, and got changed back into her civvies. The last thing she needed was to be traipsing around in unflattering scrubs. She headed back out onto the ward, surprised to see Bernie in the office, doing paperwork. Bernie was in her scrubs, but then again, they’d always looked better on her. Serena had teased her once, on a night out at Albie’s, about how well she pulled them off, and why she didn’t just wear normal clothes on the ward, as was a major perk of being clinical lead. Bernie had said something about the uniform, and it being an ‘army thing’. A smile formed at that, and then she looked the other way, turning her head over to the side room.  Stuck in the middle, between Bernie and Robbie. How cliche.

Serena noted that the door was open. Robbie sat on his hospital bed, with a brown results envelope. Her smile dropped.

 

*******

 

Bernie had all but run out of theatre, grabbed her hoodie from her locker and gone to the roof. She needed to think. She needed to breathe. It was hard to do that in an OR, with Serena looking at her. She had been an utter numbskull in theatre. A total idiot afterwards. Bernie chastised herself. What had she been thinking? She hadn't been. Bernie stifled a yawn. The jetlag was starting to get to her a little. Maybe it would have been easier just to have quit. Never seen the inside of Holby City Hospital ever again. She would have rather gone to St James' and endured Marcus and his work colleagues, who had no doubt been filled with tales of the cheating lesbian, than have her heart smashed like this. This was worse than the IED.

It was all looking like a very bad idea. Bernie would just have to keep her head down, don't get in Serena's way, take care of everything that didn't have anything to do with Robbie, and then see if Ric might get her transferred. Maybe to the ED. Maybe to another hospital. If she were here, then Bernie would only be hindering Serena, making her uncomfortable. If she were gone, then Serena could be free and happy and in love with ... Robbie.

The door to the roof banged open. Bernie couldn't see who came from her perch behind a large vent, but he wandered into her line of vision. Dominic Copeland. There was a sight for sore eyes. And ears, as he was muttering away to himself.  

"Should I call a psych?” Bernie called out, grabbing his attention.

“Hello. Sorry.” Dom traipsed over.

“You know, we do have to stop meeting like this.”

“Do you mind?” He gestured to the perch next to her.

“No, be my guest.” Bernie scooched a little bit over, letting him sit down. They sat in silence for a moment.

“There's an urban legend about this roof.” Dom began. She had no idea where this was going.

“Medics come up here to die?”

“It's an elephant's graveyard.” _Ah,_ Bernie nodded. Now she understood. Just like last time they were both on this roof, before Bernie had run off, they were both having problems. She wondered how things had gone with moving in with Isaac. Dom deserved to be happy, especially after his tough year with Arthur. Bernie was here with the same problem as last time. Her feelings for Serena.

“So, erm, professional elephant or personal elephant?” She asked him.

“That's tricky. Can I say both?”

“Yes, absolutely you can say both.”

“You?” Dom asked. Bernie fought the urge to laugh. Her problem was... everything. All at once. Her one thought. She had nothing else on her mind but Serena. Hadn't ever since she'd kissed her on the hospital floor. Or again in their office. Since she'd boarded a plane bound for Kiev. An empty, lonely feeling had hit her.

“Personal.” Bernie admitted. Dom looked at his friend for a moment; he hadn't kept in touch whilst she was in Kiev, and didn't come across Serena much on Keller, but he could guess at what had happened. He knew what her particular elephant was.

“The one that got away?”

“Very much The One.” She whispered, heart heavy.

“I don't know why they do this to us.” Dom went for levity to get his friend to open up. She was hurting, he didn't like that at all. It worked, causing Bernie to focus on him and his rhetoric.

“Hm?”

“Surely they must know that it's so much easier just to give us what we want.” Dom moaned. He was joking of course, and Bernie let out a laugh at it. She wasn't quite up to par with Dom's self-interest, but she got his point. People had never really been her bag, and now she was faced with trying to be happy about something she really, just really, didn't want to be.   “We're nice, good people! We're deeply attractive, and we don't smell.”

“I don't.” She quipped. She had missed this with Dom.

“We're perfect. They're all just clearly mad.”

“I don't suppose…”

“What?”

“You'd consider...turning?” They both chuckled at the suggestion. Bernie carried on; “We're perfect. We'd be wonderful together.”

“You do realise you would have to turn as well.”

“I'm game.” Bernie jokes; she’d spent half her life with a man, it wasn’t too terrible, she supposed. It was certainly easier to bury feelings that way, so it seemed. Though, she knew she could never go back to that now.

“OK. Fair dos.” A moment of silence as both of them considered their various predicaments. Bernie didn't really know what was going on with Isaac, she'd been away. As she had told Dom before, she really wasn't the person to go to for relationship advice. She didn't even have a relationship. She had had the start of something, but then she'd done the utterly wrong thing and had to live with the consequences. Hardly the shining example.

“I really like Serena.” Bernie whispered. It was the closest she had ever come to admitting her true feelings. Even ‘really like’ was way off the mark. But she couldn’t admit any more. Not to Dom, and certainly not to Serena. Especially as Serena wasn’t interested.

“I really like Isaac.” Dom echoed. They both sat together, staring out in silence for a good few minutes, both mulling over respective relationships.

Finally, Dom took a deep breath and looked over at Bernie, concerned for his friend and truly wanting the truth behind the _‘Campbell, Pudding and Pie’_ fiasco that had swept through the hospital halls. He hadn’t been aware how bad Bernie had it for Ms Campbell, and had regretted his own dilemmas that had taken precedence on the roof the very same day Bernie had left. Couldn’t help but feel some partial responsibility. What had Bernie said? _Was it worth the inevitable pain and suffering later down the line?_ Something like that.

“So, what are you going to do about it?” He asked her.

“Hm?” Bernie came out of her thought and looked over at her confidant.

“You and Ms Campbell. I mean, I’m all for it, we could use a lesbian power couple in the hospital.” Dom tried to play it light. Bernie smiled, but it quickly turned to a grimace. “Or bisexual, in Serena’s case.”

“It’s… it’s not going to happen, Dom. Serena isn’t interested. She’s with Robbie now, and I mucked up. Best I can do is be happy for her.” Bernie seemed resigned.

“But you’re not?” Dom prodded. There was a pause, filled with silence, with just the wind whipping around them, as Bernie pondered her words. She was never very good with words. Her thoughts went back to that stupid bottle of wine, now safely tucked into a bin, and likely being shipped off to some rubbish tip.

“I wish she was happy with me.” She admitted, in a small voice. “I wish I knew whether Robbie was good enough for her.” Dom nodded, understanding that at least. He hadn’t heard that Robbie was even back on the scene, though Bernie seemed to think that Serena was fully taken. His heart broke for his friend. They really would have been good together.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Bernie said, before sighing once again, getting up, sending a smile to Dom before silently making her way back down to the ward.  


End file.
